World Cup Warm-Up: US v. Czech Republic Friendly

Bill Simmons has very few rules, but one of them is, whenever the U.S. plays the Czech Republic in a friendly a few weeks before the World Cup and Paul Arras doesn't recognize most of the starting players on the American lineup, then Arras has to write a running diary.

Joining me is friend, fellow soccer player, and fellow soccer fan Schwabby who, by his own admission, knows less about this U.S. team than I do. Let's get going.

0:00 Apparently Gooch hasn’t played in 7 months. That shouldn’t be a problem. We have plenty of gigantic world class central defenders! Geheyeheyeheyehey! (Grabbing collar)

0:00 While we’re waiting for the match to start, Schwab clued me in on Diego Maradona’s ridiculous demands for the Argentina team’s hotel. “And the ambulances…they have bidets? ...Or would there be a gap between the hotel and the hospital... bidet -wise?”

0:00 Now we’re looking at the World Cup field. Besides Uncle Sam, Schwabby’s rooting for Cameroon “because they’re awesome,” and Greece “because if they win, they might stop sucking economically.” After the U.S.-England game, I’ll be pulling for England, because 44 years is too long, and Australia, because Tim Cahill is clutch.

0:00 Speaking of England, they knocked off Mexico 3-1 in a friendly yesterday. Peter Crouch had one of the goals. I still say he sucks. Gooch can eat him alive.

0:00 Schwab and I agree that soccer scarves are awesome. Says Schwabby, “They’re like a way-cooler version of a pennant, because of the way you can hold them up.”

0:01 Here we go! Apparently the U.S. has someone named Edson Buddle who has 9 goals in 9 games in the MLS this year. I love Buddle!

2:20 The verdict on Gooch’s beard: me -yay, Schwabby- nay.

8:30 Looking a little ragged right now, but I’m sure Bob Bradley knew what he was doing when he threw this hodge-podge lineup out there tonight. A shot of Bradley furrowing his brow elicits a chuckle from me and Schwab. “He should be the new star of The Mentalist,” says Schwabby. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds funny.

12:25 I am now wearing my USA jersey that my brother Dan got for me. It’s basically a cheap knock-off of their 2006 jersey. Tonight will be a good test run for its luck-factor.

14:00 Hey Coach? This midfield sucks. No Clint Dempsey, no Michael Bradley. We’re not controlling the run of play right now against a team that didn’t qualify for the World Cup.

16:30 Schwab thinks the U.S. is starting to put things together. I don’t see it, but then…

17:00 Maurice Edu!! Cleans up a mess in front of the Czech goal. 1-0 America. The U.S. celebrates by standing in a half-circle and wiggling their right legs in an odd manner. “The stanky leg! They’re doing the stanky leg!” cries Schwabby. This is apparently a dance move.

22:30 Here we go: Do the Stanky Legg. By the way, goalie Petr Cech should have grabbed the cross on that U.S. goal.

25:30 Some guy named Fenin just missed a good chance wide. Horrendous defense by the Americans, as he flew into the box unmarked.

29:30 Carlos Bocanegra is doin’ work on some chicken wings as he watches from a luxury box. Landon Donovan comes up and is apparently rejected by Bocanegra in his request for a wing.

35:00 U.S. really starting to sparkle now at midfield. A series of nice passing hasn’t led to any good shots, but they’re building nicely. On the other hand, they’ve looked very vulnerable on Czech counter-attacks.

43:20 Sivok equalizes over Gooch off a free kick to the left of the U.S. goal. No way that should happen against a healthy Onyewu. Some credit to the Czech guy for a great crossing ball.

44:00 Gooch is probably thinking, “Crap. Did I just lose my spot on the team?”

Half 1-1. I’m trying to think of an individual performance that has stood out and coming up with nothing. The U.S. has controlled the game, but Czech has looked much better when they’ve gotten the ball close to the goal. I give the American midfield a B, and the forwards and defenders a C. And I’m a generous grader.

Half Great new “This is SportsCenter” commercial.

48:00 Robbie Rogers, left midfield, has been on the field for three minutes and I already love him. Nice cross, and then a good hustle play to recover possession a minute later.

55:00 Czech goal waved off for offsides. Defense was outclassed there, but overall I love everyone who came on at the half for the U.S., especially Rogers, Brian Ching, and Slappy Gomez, as I will now be calling Hercules Gomez, because it’s fun.

57:49 2-1 Czech. HORRIBLE defense. That looked like a varsity team weaving in on a JV squad. Heath Pierce, thanks for coming. Maybe Gooch will have you over to watch the games. You can bring the chips.

60:00 Robbie RRRROGERS! Save by Cech. First shot since Edu’s goal. “The result doesn’t matter,” says commentator John Harkes. It matters a little, when England just wiped the floor with Mexico and we’re struggling against a team that’s worse than Slovenia.

63:30 Petr Cech swallows up a shot from Slappy Gomez, after some snappy build-up by the U.S.. Schwabby is making me change his first name back to Hercules. He’s right. Hercules Gomez is fun too.

65:00 HERCULES! Equalizer off a corner to the back post, headed back to the near post by Clarence Goodson. Well done. Other than the defense, this lineup has outplayed the first half lineup by a mile.

70:00 Hercules! Hercules!

75:00 I’m now nervous every time the ball goes into the box against this U.S. defense. Luckily, it’s not happening often.

76:58 Annnnd…3-2 Czech Republic. Martin Fenin puts it in after U.S. can’t clear in the 6-yard box. I called it as soon as the Czech midfielder got loose into the left corner. Guess who lost him? Heath Pierce. On second thought, Gooch WON’T be inviting him over anytime soon.

82:57 Schwabby: “I was wondering earlier…put this in your blog…how do international refs talk to each other?” His theory: “I think they put common phrases on index cards and put them on the flag… Common phrases include, ‘No way!’ ‘That’s a winner!’ and ‘He did it!’” Me: “Why would the refs say those things?” Schwabby: “What else would they say to each other?”

90:00 If someone was playing a drinking game and taking a shot every time these announcers used the word “equalizer” in this match, they would be dead.

91:45 Necid finishes off the U.S. as Maurice Edu misplays an aerial ball. 4-2 Czech. I don’t think they’ll be saying “equalizer” anymore.

FINAL To add insult to injury my dog, Sydney, just farted. Ugh. What a crappy game. I’m still undecided about the jersey’s luck. It looked like it brought good fortune to Carlos Bocanegra, who seemed to be enjoying those chicken wings.